The last few weeks have been very difficult, mainly due to some very odd dreams I’ve been having. Now I’ve never had nightmares [Albtraum order Alptraum auf Deutsch?] in my life and I hardly remember my dreams which is probably why this seems a bit more to me than it would to others. It’s always the same concept. The dreams are full of people I know yet they aren’t in the same relationship to me as they are in real life, but instead a good friend may appear in the dream as a passerby or someone I know vaguely in real life be a good friend to me in the dream. No one has appeared in two dreams, so considering I’m running out of people I know this should be over soon!
It also always is in different locations, some have been here in the house, some have been back in Germany, some in fictional places and some in locations I’ve never been to or don’t recognise. And always there is something I have to do, something I have to urgently get done before ‘something happens or starts’, yet I do not know what something is and I never reach the end of it. It seems that while I’m trying to do whatever it is I have to do everything goes round in circles, so in one dream I ended up having the same conversation with a person over and over again until her voice faded to mere echo and then completely disappeared.
I’m sure every therapist would have a field day here and whilst I think that the interpretation of dreams is a whole lot of crap and all just made up [no offence to anyone who does think it's worthwhile] I would still like to know why I’m getting all these dreams. I haven’t changed anything, haven’t changed my diet, nothing I can think of. It also very much affects my daily life as every day it takes me longer and longer to realise it was a dream and nothing but a dream, possibly because it always has people I know in it.
I’ve made many, many mistakes in life, such as breaking off contact with people thus destroying, often many years long, friendships. The worst was back when I was younger and had a very good friend and I destroyed our friendship somewhat. You may remember I mentioned it in passing before. Now, ten years later I can’t remember why I did it and what I did; I think I just started a silly argument and then stopped talking to her. Something I apologised to her months later and we sorted it out. Yet even though we were friends again it was never exactly the way it used to be. And then over the following years I lost her bit by bit, mainly due to her boyfriend who, at the time they got together, was twice her age and rather charismatic. And who also didn’t like me and thought of me as a bad influence. It’s a rather complicated story, again something I’ll probably come back to another time.
At one point and I can’t quite remember how it happened she sent me a letter, a letter in which she ended our friendship. A simple letter, maybe 30 lines long, ending a nine year [with some breaks] friendship that survived me living in England for a year, several boyfriends, different interests and a whole lot more. However, at that point I had not only lost her, but I also lost a big group of ‘friends’ who suddenly weren’t as open and nice to me any more. Not to point that I was excluded, but I wasn’t asked either. Things got arranged and everyone forgot to tell me and then one day I stopped making an effort. In a sense that is why I made the decision to go to England, but again, another time!
I have spoken to her several times since then, I still don’t know what caused her to send the letter, she never offered an explanation and I never asked. In the last year I had considered getting in contact with her again, catching up, talking about what has changed, but there isn’t anything I can think of saying, life is just so different than it was back in Germany. And last I heard from a friend two years ago she is still together with her boyfriend..
Someone I’ve known for just under a decade now [makes it sound better than nine years!] is someone I met back in 1999 when I was at school in England for a year. It was difficult back then, just three months before I left Germany my mother had died and whilst I never felt close to her, I also realise that moving to England that soon after she had died was not the best way to go. I’m not now or ever going to talk about the family I stayed with, apart from that they were the reason I thought I’d never go back to the UK [just how wrong was I] and whilst the school was very, very good compared to my school in Germany, or for that matter most schools in Germany, I also struggled a lot. My written English was abysmal and, having never before written an essay, the work a lot and often far more than I could handle.
Then there was the whole thing of having to find new friends and whilst there were a couple of people that started on the same day, none of them were in my form and I just ended up with people in my form most of the time. The main group of us was several girls and two guys. They had known each other for many years, some since primary school and they welcomed me and helped me.
However [and yeah, you all knew there was gonna be an 'however'!], halfway through my time in England several old arguments in that group resurfaced and one of the guys, let’s call him Lucas, was kicked out and no longer ‘to be spoken to’. Lucas however was the person I had most to do with not only because we took most of the same classes, but also because he lived closest and we had met up a few times. For a few weeks I decided to remain friends with everyone, essentially made easy as Lucas decided to stay away from school and only turned up very sporadically. After a while though the constant bitching of everyone plus the realisation that Lucas was the one who originally had brought me to the group caused arguments with them and in the end they hardly spoke to me. This had more implications on the remaining time I spent here, but more another time.
Lucas and I stayed friends until I went back to Germany, he brought me to the airport when I left and we were talking on the phone as soon as I got back home. Over the following months that declined until we weren’t talking any more. I re-initiated contact with him a year later, visited London one day, he visited Frankfurt several times and for many months my phone bill was so high I’m in fact still paying back my dad. He was also the one who helped me when I moved back to the UK and got me a room in the same house as his for a few months. That’s when we realised we can’t live together and had many arguments that affected everyone in the house resulting in us not talking for years. Partially again due to me messing things up.
Bring on Facebook, the ability to reunite old friends and foes and my curiosity to see what everyone is doing! Since June we are back in contact making it just over 3 1/2 years since we last had contact. And nothing has changed. He is the person who knows me best in the world, knows some of my darkest sides, knows who I used to be, who I changed to and who I am now. He knows my dislikes and my wants, even though I’m not so sure he is aware of that. He is one of my best friends.
Yet at the same time he is my worst enemy, the one person I truly can’t stand, the person that manages to wind me up within seconds, the one who has been blocked more times on IM than everyone else combined. The one who annoys me so very often that I wish I had never gotten back in contact, never moved back to the UK and never to the UK in the first place..