Simple answer: How the hell do I know? No, seriously, I dunno..
I admire people who know what they want to do in their life, who know who they are and what their aims are. I’ve never known all that for me, not back in Germany, not during school, not ever. I’ve been going along with the flow, occupying myself with things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter.
That sort of improved when I moved to the UK, which again was just one of those opportunities that pushed the actual question a bit further to the back and let me swim around aimlessly avoiding the big question and now, almost five years later, I am at a point where I really don’t know what I want in the slightest any more. I do, however have many things I know I don’t want any more.
One of those things is living in the South of the UK doing what I’ve been doing or rather not doing in the last years. Whilst I’ve been happy on a day to day basis I’ve not been happy overall and life’s been dragging on and on with no clear goal or idea what I want with my life.
I have a fairly basic CV with specialisation in one area meaning I can get a job easily, but that’s a job within a certain industry and nothing more. I’ve thrown away opportunities, because I was settled with what I’ve been doing and I guess the last five years shall be known as ‘the years I’ve not jumped at things I should have’..
Where does that leave me and where do I stand? Well, that is the big ‘I dunno’. I know I have to leave this town in the next few days because I cannot stand being here longer. In a sense I guess I am running away from things [again], but I need a new start. Somewhere somehow somewhat.
So what brings this up more than it has done in the last months?
My friends mean a lot to me.
My friends are the family I made.
Both are statements I have made in the past. Over the years I’ve made many acquaintances and some very few good friends who mean very much to me.
Both are statements I’m not at all sure about any more. I haven’t been for a while, but in the recent week, hell, even in the recent hours I have realised that all the people I thought I could rely on I can’t any more. Taking it that one step further, I can’t actually remember when I could last or maybe even ever rely on them.
Asking a friend for help made me realise just how self centred and selfish that friend is, as not only the friend turned it down for completely selfish reasons, but the conversation was changed almost immediately about that person. It reminded me about a person I used to be friends with many years ago who asked me some straightforward questions about themselves from eye colour to character. Something I guess we’d call a meme these days. If I were to ask the friend who just let me down the same kind of questions I’m sure all the answers would be wrong or made up along the way.
So what does that show about me? Does it mean that I’ve been choosing the wrong friends? Does it mean I’ve made wrong decisions? Does it mean I’ve been foolish in the past? Does it mean all my priorities are wrong? Does it mean I need to change myself?
I guess the anwer to all the above is a simple and straightforward yes and to an extent it shows that I need to radically change something as the way things are going or have been is not good and bad for me.
So that’s where I’m at or rather not at. Confused more than ever, unsure of what I want all over again. All I know is that I need to sort it out.
Somewhere somehow somewhat.