Simple answer: How the hell do I know? No, seriously, I dunno..
I admire people who know what they want to do in their life, who know who they are and what their aims are. I’ve never known all that for me, not back in Germany, not during school, not ever. I’ve been going along with the flow, occupying myself with things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter.
That sort of improved when I moved to the UK, which again was just one of those opportunities that pushed the actual question a bit further to the back and let me swim around aimlessly avoiding the big question and now, almost five years later, I am at a point where I really don’t know what I want in the slightest any more. I do, however have many things I know I don’t want any more.
One of those things is living in the South of the UK doing what I’ve been doing or rather not doing in the last years. Whilst I’ve been happy on a day to day basis I’ve not been happy overall and life’s been dragging on and on with no clear goal or idea what I want with my life.
I have a fairly basic CV with specialisation in one area meaning I can get a job easily, but that’s a job within a certain industry and nothing more. I’ve thrown away opportunities, because I was settled with what I’ve been doing and I guess the last five years shall be known as ‘the years I’ve not jumped at things I should have’..
Where does that leave me and where do I stand? Well, that is the big ‘I dunno’. I know I have to leave this town in the next few days because I cannot stand being here longer. In a sense I guess I am running away from things [again], but I need a new start. Somewhere somehow somewhat.
So what brings this up more than it has done in the last months?
My friends mean a lot to me.
My friends are the family I made.
Both are statements I have made in the past. Over the years I’ve made many acquaintances and some very few good friends who mean very much to me.
Both are statements I’m not at all sure about any more. I haven’t been for a while, but in the recent week, hell, even in the recent hours I have realised that all the people I thought I could rely on I can’t any more. Taking it that one step further, I can’t actually remember when I could last or maybe even ever rely on them.
Asking a friend for help made me realise just how self centred and selfish that friend is, as not only the friend turned it down for completely selfish reasons, but the conversation was changed almost immediately about that person. It reminded me about a person I used to be friends with many years ago who asked me some straightforward questions about themselves from eye colour to character. Something I guess we’d call a meme these days. If I were to ask the friend who just let me down the same kind of questions I’m sure all the answers would be wrong or made up along the way.
So what does that show about me? Does it mean that I’ve been choosing the wrong friends? Does it mean I’ve made wrong decisions? Does it mean I’ve been foolish in the past? Does it mean all my priorities are wrong? Does it mean I need to change myself?
I guess the anwer to all the above is a simple and straightforward yes and to an extent it shows that I need to radically change something as the way things are going or have been is not good and bad for me.
So that’s where I’m at or rather not at. Confused more than ever, unsure of what I want all over again. All I know is that I need to sort it out.
Somewhere somehow somewhat.
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So what does that show about me? Does it mean that I’ve been choosing the wrong friends? Does it mean I’ve made wrong decisions? Does it mean I’ve been foolish in the past? Does it mean all my priorities are wrong? Does it mean I need to change myself?
No kid already knows how to swim, its when he’s thrown into the pool that he learns how to flap his hands about and swim. Ultimately it is more satisfying. However you research your decisions, you’ll only know if they are good when the results come. :)
Does it mean I need to change myself?
Probably yes, probably no. Maybe a little to match your situation. However remain the person, the CAT I know. :)
Take care Cat.
If there are no results after all this time surely that means that the decisions were wrong as there have been no results?
Cat: That does not mean the decisions are wrong. Perhaps you are looking it the other way? Remember someday these decisions might be significant, those very same people may play an important part. Go along with the flow, but never let the flow control you. Try changing some parts of your ways, not all of them. If they yield good results, I think you will have your answer. :)
Goingalong with the flow for more than eight years? How will anything ever change?
@Cat : There are so many aspects of friends which gets revealed over a period of time. That does not mean that you have taken a wrong decision. As you said, you did what you felt was right at that point of time. We always have the power to change things around us but it requires a very strong willpower. You can also do that.
We all have made a lot of wrong decisions in our lives. But that does not stop us from making another one. Does it? Its an evolving and ongoing process. Consider each person as an experience and learn from it.
True, but realising that all friends have let me down surely says something about my ability to make decisions/choose my friends?
Goingalong with the flow for more than eight years? How will anything ever change?
The thing is, like how you are doing now, to get up and take notice from time to time. Then change a few things [that donot work the way you want] and see how it works and so on. There is no point in crying over spilt milk. If you think that you picked the wrong friends then its a good enough time to change. I mean you’re not hovering at the ancient age of 97 are you? :P
Believe in yourself Cat. That is the only way you can control the flow. Go to Square A if you want, and begin again. :)
No, but I’m still almost 25 with far too many years apparently wasted on things that no don’t seem to matter any more. And changing just a few things will improve what?
Cat: Changing a few things will. How? Because no matter the size of that thing, it is STILL a part of your life and it still impacts who you are. And btw, if you’ve wasted 25 years, and assuming you live upto 70 [just assuming] you’ve still got far more years to set things right. It’s just a case of beginning.
[Hey you could help me conquer the world if you want too! :P ]
P.S. I think that the “almost” will be gone by next thursday right? :D
Yeah, it’s my birthday next week. Well done in looking it up.
No need to look it up, I remembered. :D I am teh disciple of teh Sherlock Holmes! :P
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